Scarf Assault

Who knew that I would be her next victim? I wasn't even looking her way when she attacked me. I was minding my own business, enjoying the stalls when I felt a whisper across my throat.

I had been caught in the scarf ladies net!

My friends had managed to sidestep this woman only to leave me in the path of her fiendish need to sell scarves.  She pulled me towards her lair as I reached out to the others for help, but they coldly pretended to be engaged in other things.  It was just me and the scarf lady. I stood there, not moving an inch, waiting to see what she'd do next.

She turned to face me and uttered the four most dreaded words in the history of humanity.

"It's pretty isn't it?"

What does a girl say when they reluctantly don a bra and have to avert their eyes to avoid looking at the makeup section? Who only has to glance at a shop displaying pink clothing to go into an epileptic fit? Floral print? Tights!? Dresses!!!?? HIGH HEELS!?

Ok, I admit, high heels are fun. They're just like stilts and should be treated as such, put away after 30mins of fun trying to stand in them.

Well you can imagine my horror at actually coming into contact with such a girly product, and those four words. I decided to go with polite sarcasm. "Yeeeeah, sure..." Boy oh boy did I make the biggest mistake!  Somehow this woman missed the repulsed look on my face and took this as encouragement to whip off the first scarf and put on ANOTHER!  This time she didn't stop at draping it around my shoulders, she tried to strangle me with it instead.

I was at the edge of sanity at this point. The only thing holding me together what the fact that I couldn't see it on me, only feel it.  I gathered up the courage to blurt out, "I dress like a guy!"

Her head whipped around towards me, her eyes intent.  "But you're so pretty".  I blinked and she was a hairs breadth from my face, peering into my eyes.  I don't remember her eyes, I don't think she had any, but I do remember her hand snaking it's way towards me and grabbing a hold of my hat.  Preparing myself for some kind of weird decapitation, she lifted my hat and got even closer.

"You have nice eyes." She muttered. "Mmmm...nice hair too..."

Was she going to harvest my organs?  She dropped my hat and turned to her table.

Phew, I thought, I'm safe. I fumbled with the scarf but it seemed to be one of those impossible knots.  I glanced up just in time to see her grab the most horrible tool on her stall.

"Look at you, so pretty!" She exclaimed and shoved the mirror in my face.

I recoiled like a vampire in the sun. What horror is this!  The sudden appearance of my head and shoulders clothed in this...this...thing, gave me the burst of adrenaline I needed to rip the scarf from my neck, throw it at the woman and scramble out of there.

Needless to say I did not buy one.

Why Some Men Should Smell bad (And sometimes woman)

Recently I've come across a small problem. Guys that smell really really good. Like you just want to roll around in a cow pat like a dog good. Normally i'd say, thats great, nothing like a good smelling guy. Except if you're not attracted to them. The line blurs. Do you like this person for themselves, or for their smell? Smell can be a really important thing in a relationship. If someone smells bad naturally, it's probably not gunna work out for you.

So back to this good smell. You know you don't like them that way, you don't want them that way, and you've even set down the rules of not liking each other, but this smell! It starts a war that is waged between your nose and your brain.

Also, as a female, you smell someone going past and it smells pretty damn good, you turn around, and it's a woman. Fine if you swing the other way, but torture if you don't.

So please men (or woman for that matter) If you're single and not out hunting the ladies, please for the sake of our sanity, don't smell too good. It's torture.

Thanks